Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Some Baby's Daddy

**OK, so this is a repost… I doubt anyone will remember it because it was WAAAAY back when… so read it and pretend it’s new.**

I remember 6th grade like it was yesterday. Sitting in science class watching The Miracle of Life, a very UNSEXY rendition of baby making, thinking there is no way in HELL I am ever popping a kid out of THERE. I am sure that was the whole point of making us watch the 2 1/2 hour flick… of course our parents had to sign a slip saying it was ok, and the girls watched it in one room and the boys in another. ANYway, I held pretty tight to this no kid thing all through highschool.

To understand more about making us watch this film, you need to understand a little more about the city in which I resided. I think it was on the high side of the states numbers for teen pregnancy. There were more than 10 girls in my graduating class (maybe almost 100) that had or were expecting kids. One girl was on number three when we walked off the stage with diploma in hand… so the flick didn’t deter everyone, and it sure didn’t deter the rest of us from having sex.

I actually started thinking about it after graduation, but only after witnessing the birth of my best friends daughter… which she conveniently named after me… poor girl. After that moment, I started to obsess. I know.. that is so unlike me (bleah). I was going to have a kid someday, not anytime in the near future. I still didn’t have the other half of my baby’s gene pool decided at that time, so I wasn’t in a real rush or anything. There was a plan too. I wanted to be married… maybe for a year then a kid. Like my mom, I figured I turned out ok (who am I kidding), so why mess up a good thing. I know better than anyone else, life doesn’t always go according to plan.

So, anyway, I meet this guy… a real weirdo, just the way I like ‘em. He’s 6′4″ 230 lb … long dark hair with the bluest eyes I have ever seen. Never wore pants, always these weird homemade shorts with cartoon characters on them…. a rainbow of converse all-stars and doc martins… Nose pierced - neck pierced… awesome drummer. I was weird too, don’t get me wrong here. I was not the normal, law-abiding citizen I am today. OK, maybe I am not normal… but I am law-abiding. Thus began the second longest relationship of my life… Let’s call this guy Ricardo, just for fun, and it sounds kind of foreign, exotic.

Ricardo didn’t want kids, and I told him that I wasn’t planning on pursuing a long drawn out relationship with someone who didn’t share the same goals in life…. so I don’t know why we stuck it out so long. So to make a long weird story as short as I can … when we finally started talking about having kids, we were able to come up with a set of “ideas” (if you will) on how to raise our child. I want to share these with you because I feel that they might be of use when or if you decide to have children of your own:

1. We were not going to let our child’s feet ever touch the ground. He would be carried whenever possible, and led to believe that it would be unholy for his feet to touch anything other than the finest cloth or flower petals.

2. Ok this one is really bad. We were going to tell him over and over that he was the new messiah and leader of all people.

3. The child shall be homeschooled, because you don’t learn anything in public school other than how to have (really bad) sex and do drugs.

4. He shall learn many foreign languages and be well cultured in the arts.

5. We would try a new form of discipline. This is hard to explain, but it entails when he does something wrong to punish the parent.. ie “If you do that again.. I am going to beat your mother”. Instilling a great amount of guilt for his actions.

I know there are more, but I really can’t remember, it’s been a long time. I know you are all curious…. did they have a kid together?

HA! Wouldn’t you like to know! I am not telling, SUKKA! I’ll leave that to the imagination, or those who know the WHOLE story.

ANYway, use those child rearing ideas if you like… or feel free to add to or embellish if you will. Let me know how your kids turn out… I am curious too.


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