Heya Folks! This was recently accepted for pub, and when I received the copy of the Anthology, it was changed SO much that I don't feel bad about publishing it here. It's an email. If you're easily offended, don't read any further.
Date: Tues, Jul 2010 20:02:23 +0500
Subject: Re: Re: PenIS pATcH: Make uR DicK so BEg Ur GRiL Can pArk HeR carp oN IT
I just received your email, so surely you are sitting by your computer waiting for my reply.
I appreciate your concern regarding my penis. I am sure everyone could use a little more “oomph” when it comes to that, but right now is not the time. I have mass emailed my entire contact list in search of a quick reply, but I fear they are all dead. G-bear, you are my only hope.
The streets are crowded with people. They are moaning so loud… I can’t stand it.
This town has gone crazy. The dead are running around eating everything that moves… the smell is unbelievable, and my battery is almost dead. I am on the roof of the public library at the corner of Broadway and Adams in Elk City, Oklahoma. Yes, I am stealing their WiFi, but that does not mean I am a bad person, Gummie.
Oh god… Mrs. Highsmith, who owns the antique shop across the street just tried to shoo a couple off her doorstep with a broom. One grabbed her from behind and the other bit the nose right off her wrinkled face; she’s bleeding all over the street, screaming.
Would you happen to have a helicopter? I know that is a stupid question, but I bet you sell a lot of those penis patches. You could probably afford your own private jet. That would be awesome!
How many of those penis patches do you have? I will buy hundreds of them. You should just come and get me. You can bring the patches. I will put them all on at once, and we can watch, take pictures, and use them for advertisements. That would be great! You can make tons of money off my pictures; I will give you money for the patches. It’s a win-win situation for you.
Oh man, Mrs. Highsmith is laying face down on the road, and people just keep walking all over her. They are all over the library lawn; squishing their bodies up against the building like they want to lift it up and carry it somewhere.
I’ll give you whatever you want. My parents have a couple of cars – yours, a boat – yours. Hell, you can even have the house, if you want it.
I think you would really like me, if we met. I’m 19 - 5’11 with sandy blonde hair, and freckles. Do you like freckles? I do. I assume you are a girl, by the name, but if you’re a guy – that’s ok. Just say you’ll come and get me, G-bear. I promise I will buy all of your penis patches. My dick will be THE biggest… just say you can come and get me.
I am just going to send this now, and hope that you will reply soon. I hope that whatever connection we have made will be strong enough to get us through this… to bring us together. Because I think we belong together, G-Bear. You and me… forever.
Elk City is a small town in western Oklahoma, but here are the GPS coordinate: 35.4119944, -99.4042592