Friday, October 8, 2010

Patches

Heya Folks! This was recently accepted for pub, and when I received the copy of the Anthology, it was changed SO much that I don't feel bad about publishing it here. It's an email. If you're easily offended, don't read any further.
~2


From: megaMark@aol.com
To: Gummiebear92@fastmail.com
Date: Tues, Jul 2010 20:02:23 +0500
Subject: Re: Re: PenIS pATcH: Make uR DicK so BEg Ur GRiL Can pArk HeR carp oN IT


Dear Gummiebear92,

I just received your email, so surely you are sitting by your computer waiting for my reply.

I appreciate your concern regarding my penis. I am sure everyone could use a little more “oomph” when it comes to that, but right now is not the time. I have mass emailed my entire contact list in search of a quick reply, but I fear they are all dead. G-bear, you are my only hope.

The streets are crowded with people. They are moaning so loud… I can’t stand it.

This town has gone crazy. The dead are running around eating everything that moves… the smell is unbelievable, and my battery is almost dead. I am on the roof of the public library at the corner of Broadway and Adams in Elk City, Oklahoma. Yes, I am stealing their WiFi, but that does not mean I am a bad person, Gummie.

Oh god… Mrs. Highsmith, who owns the antique shop across the street just tried to shoo a couple off her doorstep with a broom. One grabbed her from behind and the other bit the nose right off her wrinkled face; she’s bleeding all over the street, screaming.

Would you happen to have a helicopter? I know that is a stupid question, but I bet you sell a lot of those penis patches. You could probably afford your own private jet. That would be awesome!

How many of those penis patches do you have? I will buy hundreds of them. You should just come and get me. You can bring the patches. I will put them all on at once, and we can watch, take pictures, and use them for advertisements. That would be great! You can make tons of money off my pictures; I will give you money for the patches. It’s a win-win situation for you.

Oh man, Mrs. Highsmith is laying face down on the road, and people just keep walking all over her. They are all over the library lawn; squishing their bodies up against the building like they want to lift it up and carry it somewhere.

I’ll give you whatever you want. My parents have a couple of cars – yours, a boat – yours. Hell, you can even have the house, if you want it.

I think you would really like me, if we met. I’m 19 - 5’11 with sandy blonde hair, and freckles. Do you like freckles? I do. I assume you are a girl, by the name, but if you’re a guy – that’s ok. Just say you’ll come and get me, G-bear. I promise I will buy all of your penis patches. My dick will be THE biggest… just say you can come and get me.

I am just going to send this now, and hope that you will reply soon. I hope that whatever connection we have made will be strong enough to get us through this… to bring us together. Because I think we belong together, G-Bear. You and me… forever.

Elk City is a small town in western Oklahoma, but here are the GPS coordinate: 35.4119944, -99.4042592

Xoxo

Mark
megaMark@aol.com

30 comments:

  1. That was pretty fun stuff, that sense of desperation is what I like about undead scenarios. Zombies no where near as frightening as a spammer being yr only hope, talk about doomed.

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  2. I am still chuckling. Nice work. Just enough juxtaposition of the plea with the outside situation.

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  3. My coworkers are wondering why I'm cracking at my desk all by myself. Thanks. :) I loved it and I can't believe the edited you. :( It was hilarious! Great job!

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  4. I'd say GummieBear is shitting himself right about now. Serves the bastard right.

    Sheer class, Tomara. I wonder why they bothered to change it. It's good enough as it is.

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  5. Everything about the patches was edited out of the piece AND the subject line was changed to "Come and get me!"

    If I would have been informed... I would have pulled out (no pun intended... Maybe). Totally changes the piece.

    ~2

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  6. Dood. That was awesome funny. I do think that the changes were uncalled for, but then again, there's a part of me that wants to say you should have added, "You know what, whatever the hell else you're selling, bring that too. Hopefully you have an Uzi in your catalog, soul-mate. Hurry!"

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  7. Very funny. They really should have given you the opportunity to approve edits before publication.

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  8. Inventive and so very hilarious... Love a good zombie yearn and this was was quite unique.

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  9. Wow. That's both creepy and hysterical. The idea of his only hope being some stranger spamming for penis patches is dynamic ... I can't understand why they changed this. Great piece.

    Glad you posted it.

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  10. Love it! Zombies and fun both in the same story.
    Reading this was like hearing a good joke for the first time. :)

    Very original.

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  11. Very entertaining story- I can't imagine it being the same after the edits you describe. I'm glad you shared this version with us!

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  12. Oh, man! Penis is now a bad word? It's a part of the human body for crying out loud!

    Anyway, I loved your piece as originally intended. I'd never think that this was a zombie story but the beginning and the warning. I feel bad that his desperation crackled me up, ehe.

    Welcome back to #fridayflash! You were missed. Dearly. :)

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  13. Loved the humor mixed with horror. Great story. That anthology was nuts to not run this as is.

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  14. This was great. Loved that you had taken such a different angle.
    Fantastic
    Adam B @revhappiness

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  15. Great story just the way it is. Penis patches and zombies = awesome!

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  17. Imploring a spam ad for help from the zombie apocalypse? Delightful. You'd think within 24 hours of the outbreak there would be spam for Zombrex and couriers.

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  18. That was hilarious. The use of spam email is brilliant. You should license this so that everyone in the world can send it back as a reply to the spammers of the world.
    ~jon

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  19. Poor Mark, he's screwed. Even were G-Bear to promise to come get him...he can match that promise with all the others in the span email.

    The guy's toast.

    This was fun, nice voice all through it. I can't imagine what the edited version would be like.

    Great stuff.

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  20. Perfect tone, perfect actions, loved the email to a spammer to ask for rescue.

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  21. Funny and shivery and even a little sad. Well done!

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  22. The mix of the bizarre and banal was really funny!

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  23. I really like the tone of the letter: a touch of horror, a generous amount of humor, and a good sprinkling of charm. It seems to me that taking out all the penis stuff would be like taking the spice out of the stew. It was totally unprofessional of that editor not to run the proposed changes by you first.

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  24. Soooo wrong for that editor to make changes without asking you! They destroyed it!

    This was funny stuff! I want GummieBear to be an 80 yr old woman and answer him back...

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  25. You know you're brilliant, right? Thought so.

    This is great. Hilarious. It's a crime what they did to it.
    Chris

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  26. You guys are so awesome! Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I was really upset when I saw my edited copy, but I am really glad I got to share the unaltered version with you.

    You really are awesome!
    ~2

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  27. You'd have to have no sense of humor not to like this. It's funny and smart, in the best satirical way.

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  28. Wicked-dark, 2. I enjoyed how all modesty is quickly thrown out the window when life is at stake. That line about putting them all on at once and then taking pictures of it totally cracked me up. :)

    Too bad about the Anthology. They should have asked you about the changes.

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  29. hilarious tongue in cheek horror! :)

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  30. This was awesome. Desperation, horror and humour all seamlessly combined.

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